one of the newspaper that i capture today morning
time flies so fast, after 2 and half year of studies, have a great relationship for 20days, 1 day of movie and dating, 3 day of seeing each other at tuition and other day were spending on phone sms and few night of calling her just to ask her to sleep early and working situation..the relationship is start right after 1year i study college...and now, i have totally forget everything about her even my miss.. she is the girl that i love the most, chasing with most effort, miss all the time, date for the 1st time, horror movie for the 1st time, eat and dating, snapping one and only photo and used one and half year to forget everything including the feel and the look of her beautiful eye.. so my times with her has just gone, its time to move one...i don't know what is love, i don't feel what it's like to miss and to be miss...so its time to search back those feel, to move forward for a love that last like God's love to me..
I don't know why i choose the title named "I Wonder Why" but somehow, i saw this words on one of my friend post. So on, i commented "i wonder how, i wonder why, i wonder where they are", a song of westlife, if i not mistaken, the song name "My Love".
Today i have just a simple flashback. (writen at 25 March 2012)
By the way, when i asked myself "i Wonder Why", its really make sense of i wonder why i still staying in this world. Then i keep on surfing the facebook and saw pastor Jaeson Ma post; "But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. (1 Corinthians 15:10 NIV)" so its really by God grace, im and i have to keep on living in the world no matter what is happening, time move every second, world turning every second from morning to night and night to morning.
Secondly, i wonder why i said the lyrics of this song and suddenly it felt like my ex name pop-up in my mind out of somewhere. i wonder why; perhaps i have really put all my love and effort in it even i know i shall not love her as for different religious problem that might cause us to argument in the future. But the fact is, she have many chaser, somehow she chosen and accepted me for i doesn'e really know why as for i'm not the great guy well then i used more then a year to let go of her. Perhaps its was just a new test for me in my life. While, when i think about this, this video flash into my head and this few verse in the bible:-
- 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
- john 15:13
- Romans 5 : 8
(this video came out of my mind somewhere when i writing about love)
hmm, somehow, that third thing that appear in my mind after saw Pastor Philip Mantofa post this "In good times and bad times, praise the Lord!" or "Dalam suka dan duka, pujilah Tuhan!". Have a flashback on few day ago, bad things happen to me, people missunderstand my words, perhaps friends judge on me but still, i give thanks to God without thinking of what that happen, just think this is God's will that this thing happen for a reason that i might not know. In Matthew 7:1 "Judge not, that ye be not judged." from this verses, i really receive that who am I to judge you and who are you to judge before God judge me as well i think about this verse when i watched a movie name "to save a life". Who are we actually to judge other when we could not judge who are we? so no matter good or bad, suka or duka, i give the praise and prayer to the Lord.
So on, yesterday (writen at 26 march 2012) i take my took out my bible (wow, full of dust) and turn and turn all the pages and verses that i have marked before this. Its seem like i have not be a real christian for such a long period, for all the time i had, i only use the installed bible application in my phone. Many christian now starting to use smart phone or java phone to turn on they bible but for me, i really felt guilty for not turn the bible that were in book version.
22 march 2012
This night, i have on my facebook and dont know why, i wrote something like "when others got problem, i could help them and understand them but how about opposite side???when i got problem, who wil come to me and understand me???ask this to yourself and u will discover who ur fren really is....." but actually i not having any problem, i just dont know why i have this feel to write so.. and so on, suddenly pop out some comment that think of im having trouble...perhaps by God's will, that person just appear somehow with people and somehow i were be given the chance to be a listener and the whole night i tries to help with everything i can but does it really help, im not really sure.. for the whole nite, i have a lot of chat with this person somehow with problem and laughter..its kind of glad that i have help or perhaps she have came for me to help...not really sure =) as time pass by every second, i were just keep trying to give good advice and convince but then it does not feel like what i normally do or said....time pass and im tired, have a sweet night of sleep and told that i will be with her again the next day...
P.S: doesn't meet this person but somehow; we have a great chat..
23 march 2012
today was tiring wake up and gosh..every turn bad, feel like many problem gonna happen....bad thing keep happen from time i take til the time i goes out..but i said to my self that everything is alright, pray to the God and be blessed..today im having presentation and i have done all the preparation and thanks God, my presentation goes on well and have a lunch with my pastor at ipoh parade but everything doesn't really work out well...well then, today have another conversation with the special someone, somehow, it seem like changes plan and til night time, all plan have been change but i don't really know what the someone want actually..and then i get a message from my oversea friend and get a message of she seem like too stress so as friend, advice again...back to the point, at night time, me and the someone just~~ERM, stranger???~~na, just like nothing to chat..but hmm, the someone smowhow just "hmmm" a lot today but someone i not really encourage for what that gonna happen la...for safety infromation, i think that think too much is just over think but not overcome...should be time to overcome somehow...well, it just all the miss and miss and miss stuff it was all mention today, somehow~~perhaps i shall retried my army back before i continue with something not the the God's Will~~im happy to help but i will never know does it help...help is by critical thinking and planning, just like a war to win =)
P.S: does not really know what im writing but one thing i know it, its just goona worth for a moment all this stuff...based on what happen in life cycle everyday =) give my life to save a life~~
I dont really know why i choose this title, by the way, why i said so is because of one of the fact that i found out recently in kampar. When i have my life in Puchong, i never said that girl emotion is like changing a clothes in a second but when i was in kampar, it totally different that i will have this thoughts even i studying in Ipoh. izit kampar girl stay at such a small town, they get pressure on their mentally or physically? I dont really know and comform about this but the way they act is faster then changing a clothes. let just say about today, i called someone, tries to help and care but what i get it a SUDDEN end call, by the way, nevermind, i dont mind to call back and i get the second SUDDEN end call, WOW, it just feel like i did something wrong. But nevermind la, maybe that person does not have a good mood that is stress or frustrated about the assignment and mid term? lol. by the way, back to the point of "judgement??", why i said it not a judgement, it just because that i not really judging girls but maybe that the world is changing, im seeing more fact and reality of what happening to the world, perhaps it is, im not sure but if a girl asked me "Hey, Jr(or Jeremiah), why you acting so wired today??u keep smiling like a silly guy = =" does this make me a epic fail??nah, actually i was just keeping myself happy, i wanna make changes so i tries to Smile everytime and wish to bring back ten smiles when i reach home and have a sweet sleep =) i was changing as girls and the world are changing so i dont judge because i cant judge even if the judgement day is arrive. Human changing everyday, from good to bad, bad to good, naive to mature, mature to playful(just like naive), from thin to fat, fat to thin, study to work, work to learn, and others, so everythings change everyday, so i dont deserve to make any judgement because i could judge before my God judge. Just wishes that human change to learn from mistake because mistake is a pain and if no pain, no gain =) God Bless everyone in they life of learning to rich to top of the world.
Now Is 7:38PM
This is the time i start to write this post
Today i have a very bad day. My friends dont wanna talk with me, my other friend that take bus together with me always lie become stranger to me, dont even talk much in the bus. Even arriving kampar, she like very rush, go buy a book and said that she want to go back, so on it been a week we didnt get out together, back to the cafe we always been. and less sms, even call also less. Tomorrow is my assignment submission dateline and the assignment that i did is totally wrong, i have to redo and complete it by tonight. I felt that im so weak now, stressing, frustrated and so disappoint to my own self. How can i redo the whole assignment in one night if im so tiring now? i still having take my dinner when i writing thing post, i got no mood to do my assignment yet i still hearing sad love song, my mood is totally down to the MAX. What i wish now is the my God wil talk to me, give me Power, Strength, Wisdom and whatever i need.
Now is 7:44PM
i dnt know what to write, my day is just so unlucky, i felt like my heart being stab with a lot of sharp knife, i just feel that my tears in crying inside my heart. I lost direction, i dont know what o do, i dont know how to think, i dont know anythings. I just know that i'm not the best for now. I was hungry, my throat are not good, my gastric is stricking me nearly this time, i ate fried CNY food now, i feel like wanted to die then staying in this world.
Now is 7:48PM
My Brain is full of nonsense, think too much and is totally blank of what i should do now, later, tomorrow and the other day after tomorrow. I was like wanted to commit suicide so that i dont need to think anymore and stress anymore.
Now is 7:52PM
I just wanted to end my blog here and post it right nowbut i dont think there will be people that seeing it. It been so long that i have not post any blog.
7:53P posted this blog
i know many people are saying my bad thing from secondary til college life...but you all never know the fact of what you all been saying to me!!! i told you all once and again, i not doing any sins or bad to any of you, i treat you all the same way as i treat other, so if you all wanna say bad thing about me, up to you...and for the guys part, i know you all saying a lot of bad things about me because of you jealous so please dont blame me for God will not punish me...thx..
and one more thing, is the way you treat me that got problem, not the way i treat you all...i treat everyone fair and square...all of you always look down on me, look down on thing i cant do because non of you willing to help me as for im help each and everyone of you...being good for bad punishment???
i was alone and always will be alone and so i find friend, i try to keep my self get connected with you all but you all will only think that im a paper that had been write wrong(a friend that you had wrongly knowed) and after that, just throw me to rubbish bin and when you recycle(when you need me) you will get me and after that you will still throw me away...
so from now on, those that dislike me can direct delete me from any of my facebook account because i dont think is worth for you to add me and seeing my post about all my bull shit stuff, you all can get out from my life from now on because non of you believe and understand me so i will not waste my time to explain much and believe you all anymore because i will be glad that im doing so for that clean of my own name and image...